i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
