I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
