and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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