Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
