I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
