can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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