I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
