I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
