I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Semen is not good for contacts.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
