Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
