do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
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I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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