im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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