if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
