last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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