Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
please come you make the beer taste better
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
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Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
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That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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