So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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