The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
