omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
