New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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