someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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