i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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