You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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