My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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