Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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