hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
