I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
