____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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