I hate your face
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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