I just saw a hot homeless man
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
