the day after is always just damage control
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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