I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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