He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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