I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
