Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
