speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
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