I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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