You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We are all done wearing pants today
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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