I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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