Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
