apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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