You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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