Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
