i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
