hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
