Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
