dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
