there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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