my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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