The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
