my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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