One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
