Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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