Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
