I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
