If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
