peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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