sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
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please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
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GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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